Non-drinking, life stinking.

Reached my ten day stretch of a life sans-alcohol today.
It’s been hot, uncomfortable, etc. A corona with a slice of fresh cut lemon or a glass of crisp sparkling would have been favorite on a  few of these hot days- but it just wasn’t going to happen, mostly because it’s something I CAN control right now. I’m committed, in a kind of non-committal way, because I guess I am willing to try anything to flip the negative situation I’m in.

When I consider how horribly pear shaped the last few days have proven themselves to be, I really feel the need to pin the clusterfuck of it all onto something real, something I can define. It really got me wondering as to the workings of my relationship with alcohol, and if it is as clear cut as I imagined?
To be honest, I didn’t  even drink a lot ten days ago. Years ago I used to. Hell yes, I used to live for being pissed. However, now I have an 11 month old son and if I get even slightly drunk, I feel guilty at least, maybe overwhelmed, very possibly quite sick. It just isn’t worth it. I’ve been a very low volume drinker (4 SD’s a week at most) for nearly 2 years, and only because it got boring and exhausted me, financially, physically, emotionally, spiritually, sexually, socially. All of it.

So many explosions this week. There is no relief from the relentless anxiety and deadening sense of failure to be a kind and compassionate human this week. I feel as though I have no skin, sensitive and exposed and without the ability to gauge how sensitive I should be at all..At the moment, my inner voice is a critic so abrasive that I feel I’m living life underneath a magnifying glass where people watch and wait for the narcissistic catastrophe to unfold, life being the giant hand prodding me and goading me to the point of explosion.

If it is a coincidence that my behaviour- crippling anxiety, a rage I can’t locate the source of to save myself, and a ferocity that could curdle my partners’ blood-is entirely relateable to my relationship with alcohol at all, then I guess I’ve been putting a pretty hat on an ugly head for a looooong time. And if the fact that I am not drinking a drop actually has nothing at all to do with me being a total mol, then I guess I may as well just accept it- I am a horrible human being.

For someone who meditates daily and really truly does know how to look after herself, I am really struggling to be kind to number 1 at the moment.
So it was nice to come back here and have a little  thought spew in hope of it energising an awakening and healing of some fantastic sort.
I hope everyone is good. I’M NOT.

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