I’ve been watching someone fall in love over the last few weeks, and it’s making me cringe.
I guess by today’s standards it’s depressing as a belief..but a few years ago I made up my mind about romantic love; what it isn’t and what I believe it actually is- and while for me this is a mindset you could bounce a coin off, I can certainly understand why it upsets people that don’t agree. Its a double edged sword. As the most pure and acceptable of all crazy madness-making addictions, falling in love is the one you wont be arrested for, deplete brain cells through, or lose your friends over….Erm….
Addiction happens when you can’t live without something. In love, it’s a foundation. Pull apart any half baked pop anthem and you’ll be privy to the inner musings of some wackadoozie bint crapping on about how she can’t breathe/see/go to bunnings without you. And though it’s not new news, it remains a shame, such a crying shame.
Of course, to some people the idea of being in love and ensconced in that blissful sensation is a beautiful thing. So is being on disco bickies though. We’re conditioned to go batshit crazy and froth at the bit for it. But the problem of course, isn’t the wonder of being in love- it’s the challenge that comes from natural progression, people change, that they move on and they grow and their preferences for people aren’t exempt from that.
Ultimately for me and when I am perfect, “I love you,” will mean “I accept you without condition.” But more often, when coupled with unrealistic expectations of us to be perfect, lovable and controlled, and in the way we know life changes and wrecks everything, it just means “Please don’t change.”
It’s important to note that we are for the most part, different people in love. And different again out of it.
The mind works in incredibly tricky ways once it attaches itself to something, be it a person, an object, an objective or an ideal. As a person who freely admits addiction in various forms, I have to say that not one of them ended well. A bit of extra-curricular study revealed the horrifying truth- we’re so crafty when it comes to deceiving ourselves and depriving ourselves of truth.
It hit me on the head in slow motion really; in order to have some kind of hope for the years that lay ahead I knew it was imperative that I conclude my understanding of romantic love. My idea of a relationship was a minefield. After a pretty good tap on the head when it came to relationships, I just did not believe anyone could be serious when they signed up for the long haul. I had to actively start accepting my situation as an individual, which meant not looking for something to fill the space I felt. I’d be lying through my teeth if I said I never reached for fillers anymore, because I do. And I don’t mean to discredit every successful romantic relationship, absolutely not. Based on a foundation of loving acceptance, I think that longevity in relationships is entirely possible. You see, my change of mind actually helped me to locate a reality in love that had previous eluded me. Strangely enough, I believe in love more deeply than I ever did-but without putting it into the context that unbalanced every other facet of my life.I guess I feel like I understand it with a clarity I never had, as slowly it came first with myself, then with my partner and most especially since the birth of my son.
Perhaps anyway,the drug called love is just there to teach us a lesson? Falling in love, addiction of any kind can simply be seen as the material you have to implement your next level of growth. So hell- go mad, don’t eat, don’t sleep- maybe hold back on the no breathing bit- but for Godsake remember to jot down a few notes at least.
For me now, the ideal is to keep working towards feeling a degree of acceptance for every person I come into contact with. Some call it compassion, some connect it as non-attachment, I’m calling it love. Because who knows what happens when we start feeling love for our busdriver, the person in front of you in the queue taking too long, the driver of the car who just won’t let you cut in?
Does anyone else feel like there is a hidden lesson inside the daydream of falling in love- one most of us seem to miss?